Learning How to Talk

First Presbyterian, Fort Scott, KS                                                                 

Psalm 34:1-8

Ephesians 4:25-5:2

How many of you are on Facebook or Twitter?  I use my Twitter account mostly, and those updates just go to my Facebook account.  How many of you have been frustrated, annoyed, or even enraged by something that someone else has posted online?

If you use social media, you know that you can get yourself in trouble if you’re not careful.  Things you say online have power just like our everyday speech.

Several months ago I noticed an annoying trend on Twitter among many of the people I follow.  People would find ways to brag about themselves but they would try to make it sound modest.

So someone would post, “So honored to be at the Yankees game with our company’s amazing CEO.”  Or, “So honored and humbled to have my book published.  Buy it on amazon.com.”  Or, “So honored to spend time today with this or that well-known person.” 

They weren’t “honored” or “humbled.”  They had something they wanted to brag about, and they felt bad doing it, and so they tried to hide it by using the language of “I’m honored and humbled.”  One of my colleagues was a particularly egregious offender.  And one evening I’m on the couch.  And up pops another update from my friend.  “So honored to have gotten this promotion and to be working with such great people.”  And that was it!!  I’d had it!!  I couldn’t take it anymore!!

And so I shot back with a tweet of my own that said this: “No good tweet has ever begun with the phrase, ‘I’m honored’.”

But in the ten seconds it took me post my tweet, a very sweet woman from our church posted a tweet that said, “I was honored today to lead worship at church.”  She had posted her tweet right before mine got posted.  So it looked like I was criticizing her tweet that she was honored to lead worship at our church!  I looked like an idiot, and had to apologize profusely and then try to explain myself. 

Well, I deserved it.  I violated my own social media principles.  I’ve vowed from the very beginning of Facebook and Twitter NOT to get into arguments online.  And it’s SO hard sometimes.  There are so many nasty, dumb, ill-thought out, postings from people.  And I’m just dying to respond in a way that will puncture someone’s self-righteous balloon, or question some ill-thought out political screed they’ve put up.

You know, in our culture, it’s hard to use your words in peaceful, gracious ways.

In this year of political campaigns, all of us are bombarded with ads more interested in tearing down an opponent than with telling the truth.

And even outside politics, businesses trying to gain an edge in marketing their products never tire of telling us how inferior all their competitor’s products are.

Here’s what you learn from most politics and business practices:  Say the worst things you can get away with about your opponent or your competitor.  Cast your opponent or competitor in the worst possible light.  Tear them down.  Take them apart.  Undercut them.  Destroy them.  That’s our media landscape.

But maybe some of you have family environments full of hateful, destructive talk as well.  Or maybe you have a network of friends or a group you work with who make regular practice of speaking negatively about others.

And in the midst of all that, we hear the voice of Jesus Christ in Ephesians inviting us to learn to speak in a new way. 

So let me ask you a blunt, challenging question: can the people around you recognize in you a habit of gracious, peace-making, encouraging, and truthful talk?  Or has God’s gracious dealings with you not yet come to influence the way you use your words?

The title of the sermon – “Learning How to Talk” - may be confusing, or even offensive.  “I already know how to talk,” you might be thinking.

Yes, we talk.  We talk a lot.  We speak with those we live with.  We talk at work.  We talk on the phone.  We have various conversations all day long.  So yes, we talk.

But did you know that God’s plans for your life include teaching you to talk in new ways?  God’s plan is to bring everything in heaven and on earth together in Jesus Christ.  That’s called peace-making in Ephesians.  And God wants US to be a part of that.  And one way we share in God’s work among us is by learning to talk to each other in a new way.

Every single day is a day filled with opportunities for the powerful, life-changing use of your words.

The first thing we’re told is to “put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body” (v. 25).

Part of the way we share in God’s work among us is to learn to tell the truth to one another in love.  So let’s confess this morning how easy it is for us to evade speaking truthfully to one another.

Some of us are peace-keepers.  Peace-keepers are people who avoid conflict.  Peace-keepers don’t want anyone’s feelings to get hurt.  They don’t want anyone to have to deal with bad news.  Generally speaking, peace-keepers have a hard time finding the courage to tell the truth, because telling the truth might ruffle the waters a little bit.  If you are a peace-keeper, listen.  We need you.  We need your voice.  We need your perspective.  We need you to weigh in on how you see things.  We need you to pray for courage to speak up and tell the truth lovingly to others.  That will change you from being a peace-keeper into a peace-maker.

Some of us are “Say it like it is people”.  Some of us are blunt and direct.  We say what comes into our heads.  We tell it like it is and others can deal with it.  So maybe it’s true, maybe you do generally tell the truth.  But Ephesians invites us to speak the truth to one another in a way that reflects that we’re all members of Christ’s body.  That we’re all on the same team, rooting and cheering for one another.  And those of us who tend to be direct will need God to soften our hearts.  We will need the Spirit to help us pay attention to the way our words affect those on the receiving end of our words.  If the tone of what you say is not loving and encouraging, then you are not telling the truth.

Some of us are “triangulators”.  Have you heard that term before?  It’s a term used to describe unhealthy relationship patterns and unhealthy communication habits.  Triangulators are people who create triangles.  They create triangles by always pulling in some third party to take their side.  If I’m frustrated with you, but instead of speaking with you, I pull in someone else – I’m “triangulating.”

Now listen, I’m going to try my best to let you know when you do this with me.  And I want to ask you all to let me know when I do it.   Triangulators try to tell the truth, but they tell it to the wrong person.  According to Ephesians, we’re to tell the truth TO one another, not TO THIRD PARTIES.

Some of us are entertainers – we love to entertain others by passing along tasty little tidbits about others.  We love to have other lean in towards us, since we’re the ones with the scoop on this or that.  This is what the Bible terms “gossip.”  And the problem with gossip isn’t necessarily that it’s false.  It might be true.  But usually you’re not sure it’s true. 

If you ever find yourself saying, “Well, I’m not sure if it’s true but so and so said . . . “  Stop yourself right there.  If you’re not sure it’s true, then don’t say it at all.  There’s no reason to say it – other than you and I like to be seen as insiders with the info.  It makes us feel important to have information that others want to hear.  It puffs up our self-esteem to be able to garner the attention of others when telling stories about others.

Just this week, I have caught myself at least 10 or 12 times ready to pass along something I’d heard for NO reason other than I have grown accustomed to the little thrill of being a person who knows something before others.

God’s Spirit is teaching us to talk in new ways.

But one of the hardest situations for gracious speech is when we’re angry.  Verse 26 says: “In your anger do not sin (Psalm 4:4).  Do not let the sun go down on your anger.”

Ephesians ASSUMES that you and I will be angry from time to time.  For good reasons and not so good reasons.  Baptized, faithful, praying, loving people get angry.  So God understands your anger.  And we need not pretend that we don’t wrestle with anger.  Some of us have loud, emotional and outbursts of anger.  Others of us have an inner, smoldering anger that burns away in a place that very few others see.

If you are a person who struggles in seriously unhealthy ways with anger, then I want to invite you to come see me so we can talk and find some ways to deal with it.  And if your anger comes out in physically or emotionally abusive ways, then I really do ask you to come and see me.  The people in your life will thank you.

I don’t know if we’re to take this advice about never letting the sun go down on our anger literally.  Are we really never to go bed angry?  Are we expected to solve every thorny issue of anger in one day’s time?  It seems to me that some issues aren’t going to get solved in a day.  But perhaps we can still take this as sound advice from the Spirit of God.  Don’t nurse your anger.  Don’t hang on to it.  Don’t make it your long-term companion.  If you’re angry, make plans to part with it as soon as you can.  If that’s today, great.  If it takes a week or a month, so be it. 

The truth is, God isn’t angry with you.  God could be, of course.  I mean, we’re not exactly the thankful, joyous, content, and loving children we should be.  But God doesn’t speak to us as one who is angry with us. 

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.  Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us” (5:1-2).

John Calvin imagined God as a mother speaking with us as small children.  God pulls up her apron and bends down on her knees, to get right on your level, and speaks to you the tender language that a small child understands.

Have you ever been in conversation with someone who uses big words, fancy language, technical terms that are beyond you?  Often, that is a kind of power play, a ritual designed to remind you that you’re less important. 

God doesn’t do that.  God assumes human form in the life of Jesus so that God can come near to us – in our own lives and experience.  And in Scripture God has adopted a kind of speaking with us that we can understand.  God is like a patient, nurturing mother who gets down with us and speaks on our level.

God speaks to us in ways that build us up.  God is at work to call out the best in us.  To nurture us, to encourage us, to make us strong in difficult times.  And you and I have been called by God to share in this work of building something in others by the use of our words.  That’s why we hear:

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (4:29).

The images in your bulletin today are by the artist Mako Fujimura.   He is a working artist who is trained in both ancient Japanese tradition as well as in modern, abstract painting.  I have never been a fan of abstract art, but I find his paintings moving and beautiful.  His art gallery is near Bryant Park just beneath the main New York Public library.  And he leads a movement of Christian artists called the “International Arts Movement.”  You can read more about him at makofujimura.com.

You might also be interested to know that he is an elder in a Presbyterian church near the campus of New York University.  And he speaks regularly about the connections between spirituality, beauty, and faith.

I once heard him reflect on what we can learn about parenting from the story of the garden of Eden.  It is a curious story.  God says to Adam and Eve, “You can eat from all the trees of the garden, except for one – the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.” 

And many of us want to ask: why would a good God who loves and blesses the creatures he has made put a prohibition on one tree in the garden?  What kind of twisted God would place this kind of restriction on the creatures he has made?  Why would God say “NO” about that one tree?

But then we have to ask ourselves: why are we fixated on the one NO from God?  God said “No” about one tree.  But God said “Yes” to every other single tree in the garden.  Yes to this tree.  Yes to that one.  And that one.  Yes, Yes, Yes, a thousand Yesses to all these trees which are beautiful to look at and full of delicious fruit.

This is, of course, how God deals with us as well.  God says Yes to us much more than God says No.  And Fujimura admitted that he has wrestled with this in how he talks with his own children.  He found that he was saying NO over and over again to his kids.  “No” much more often than YES.  And then it hit him.  But this isn’t how God treats me.  This isn’t how God speaks to me.

So parents: God says Yes to you a thousand times for every NO.  Is that the way you speak with your children?  What would happen if you spoke to your children in ways fundamentally shaped by a YES to them and their lives?

Children, can I ask you the same question.  What if your ways of speaking to your parents were Yes and Yes and Yes?  Yes I can do that.  Yes I will help out.  Yes I can wait.

Young people – school is beginning.  Are you ready?  I bet you’re a little bit nervous.  Maybe you don’t want to say it out loud.  But you’re anxious about how others will perceive you.

But here’s the real question:  will you be the kind of person whose way of talking is shaped by God’s love and blessing?  Will only “wholesome” words come out of your mouth?  Will your mouth only speak words that encourage and build up others?  You can make a real difference in your school if you’ll commit right now that you’re only going to say things that help and encourage others.

Now let me ask the rest of you if you will make that same commitment this morning.

In the relationship of marriage.

In your friendships and work relationships.

In your dealings with others here in this congregation.

And let me mention one more way for us to share God’s peace with others in the way we talk.  I want to invite you to see your random, daily conversations as part of your spiritual life.  Often we overlook these little conversations as wasted time.  Talk about the weather, or sports, or other niceties.  But if you could prayerfully go into every day fully aware that every conversation is a chance for you to encourage and bless others, then your entire day becomes an extended act of ministry in Christ’s name.

The God who creates and guides us, who loves and blesses us, THAT God is here in our midst, making peace through Jesus Christ.  In Jesus life and death, God makes peace with us.  And God makes peace between us.  You need that peace.  And so do I.  And so do all the others you meet every day.  Share God’s peace with them this week.