The Principle of Non-Dominance

Jeremiah 18:1-11

Philemon 1:1-21

  

Imagine two different kinds of organizations.  I’ll ask you to imagine two congregations, but you could imagine a family or your workplace as well.

In one congregation people manipulate, coerce, cajole, and bully one another continually.  People are strong-arming one another into favors all the time.  And when you fail to yield to someone else’s pet-project, you get emotionally punished.  Now lots of things are going on in this congregation, lots of things are getting done.  But manipulation is the basic rhythm of the congregation’s life.

Now imagine a different congregation.  This is a congregation free from manipulation.  And the reason there’s no manipulation is that not much is happening.  Expectations are very low.  No one expects much help or cooperation.  No one expects anyone to do anything difficult.  They stay out of each other’s business.  They stay off of one another’s turf.  They don’t make any difficult demands.  So there’s not a manipulation problem here, but there also isn’t much going on.

Now which congregation – which organization - would you want to be a part of?  I’m hoping that your response is “NEITHER”!

Here’s my question for us today: how can we live with high expectations for how we’re living out this good news, while at the same time relating to one another in gracious and non-manipulative ways?  How can we live with the good energy of God’s Spirit without wearing each other out with non-stop demands?

Let’s take a look at Paul’s little letter to Philemon and see if we can find some help.

Paul has to navigate an extremely sticky situation between two members of the church who are at odds.  If you think you’ve seen major disagreements between church-members, then check this out.

Philemon is a wealthy man.  In fact, he has a house large enough to host the church that meets in the city of Colossae.  Also, he owns a slave named Onesimus.  And Onesimus has run away from Philemon’s household business.

To make matters worse, it was Paul’s preaching about the freedom of the gospel and the equality of everyone in the Lord that motivated Onesimus to run away.  And now Onesimus has made his way to a different city where Paul is under house arrest.  And he’s become one of Paul’s trusted partners.  And if that isn’t bad enough, it appears that Onesimus has stolen something valuable from Philemon. 

In the middle of the first century, Roman law classified runaway slaves as criminals.  Once caught, Onesimus could be arrested and punished, either by whipping or by execution (but that would ruin a slave’s economic value).

And Roman law stipulated that anyone showing hospitality to a runaway slave was liable to the slave’s master for the value of each day’s work lost.  Now are you beginning to see why Paul finds himself in such an awkward situation? 

No wonder Paul promises to repay Philemon for a debt owed.  “If you’re worried about the wages lost since he’s runaway, or about the valuables he stole,” says Paul, “I’ll cover them myself. “

But Paul is quick to add that keeping score doesn’t compute: “not to mention that you owe me your very self” (v. 19).  Apparently Philemon had come to receive new life and salvation through Paul’s ministry.  And so Paul basically says, sure, I owe you a little, but you owe me everything!

Paul helped found and lead many of the house churches in the region.  And in the house church at Colossae, the primary local leader, who hosts the church in his house, has a slave who’s robbed him and run away and is now staying with Paul. 

What would you do?  Tell Onesimus to change his name and never go back to Colossae?  Write a letter asking Philemon to receive Onesimus back as a slave?

What Paul does in this letter is revolutionary.   He asks Philemon to receive the runaway slave back, but in a completely new way: as a “dear brother,” a “fellow man and as a brother in the Lord” (vs. 16).  Paul goes so far as to say, “welcome him as you would welcome me” (v. 17).

Paul has high expectations for how those of us in the church are to behave.  The good news is to work its way into our lives and make a difference.  We might have to make financial sacrifices.  We might have to forgive and welcome others who have wronged us.  We may have to give up old patterns of living that we cherish.

We’d like to have God’s love with no new expectations.  We’d like all the privileges of the salvation God offers but with no demands.  We’d like the Holy Spirit to come and live within and among us, but with the secret hope that this Spirit won’t mess with our furniture.

Suppose you invited a friend over for dinner.  And what you had in mind was that they show up at 6pm, you eat at 6:30pm, you do dessert, talk a bit more, they leave, night over.  Now imagine how confused and uncomfortable you’d be if your guest began rearranging your furniture.  You step into the kitchen and when you come back your sofa is on the other side of the room.  You return from the restroom to find your area rug rolled up and your favorite family photo moved to a different wall.

Don’t you imagine that’s how Philemon felt when he first listened to Paul’s letter?  Isn’t that what it feels like for us when we realize that the life God offers us is going to require some uncomfortable changes?

Here’s the most important thing: Paul asks Philemon to do something difficult, but he doesn’t bully Philemon.  He doesn’t manipulate or coerce him.

Here’s what he says, “in Christ I could be bold and order you to do what you ought to do.”  But “I prefer to appeal to you on the basis of love” (v. 9).

And the letter ends by Paul expressing his confidence that this enormous, demanding appeal is, in fact, a done deal.  “Confident of your obedience, I write to you, knowing that you will do even more than I ask” (v. 21). 

In this infrequently read, often overlooked, little letter from Paul to Philemon, there is something so powerful that it can change the way we relate to other people.  Once you understand that God is a lover and not a dominator, all the relationships in your life will begin to take on a new color.  You’ll begin to feel how wonderful it is to be free from the need to control outcomes, free from the fear that things might not unfold just the way you wanted them to unfold.

In JR Ward’s novel Lover Eternal, one character says to the other, “You are a manipulator.”  And the other character responds, “I like to think of myself more as an outcome engineer.”  The real reason we worry and fret, bully and manipulate others, is that we’re outcome engineers.  We’re trying to manufacture some situation we think HAS to happen.

But that’s not how God deals with us.  Our Psalm today pictures God as knitting us together in our mother’s womb.  So yes, God puts us together with craft and care.  Jeremiah pictures God as shaping our lives like a potter shapes clay.  Both images attest to God’s creative power, but both picture God loving us in ways that are patient, tender, and gentle. 

Behind Paul’s amazing letter to Philemon is a God who appeals to us in love.  This is no commanding bully, no manipulative tyrant.  This is the God who comes to us in the humble face of Jesus Christ.  Yes, God makes an appeal for everything we have – heart, soul, mind, and strength.  But this God woos and waits.

How we treat other people is a window into our heart.  And our tactics for gaining influence over others are a clear sign of how we imagine God relates to us.

This principle of non-domination is hard, but beautiful way to live.  It’s hard for me.  I’m a pastor.  I manage volunteers.  So I’m asking all of you for favors all the time.  Will you help teach this class?  Will you help with this project?  Will you fill this spot.?  Could you provide a meal on this day?  The truth is, there are lots of wonderful kinds of ministry going on in the life of our congregation.  There are so many ways to serve.  So many opportunities to make a difference. 

Like Paul, let’s continue with high expectations for what the life of faith looks like.  But let’s also open our hearts to experience God’s way of being with us and for us.  So let’s be careful, prayerfully careful, always to live in love.  God invites us to a peaceful heart, free from the need to calculate how everything turns out.